Awards Time – YAY!!!

Aha! You hear that sound? Damn right you do, you little turd burglar. It’s time for the annual EBS Grammy Awards! Okay, okay, buzz off, it’s the first time this has ever done, but, it will be annual cause I have that power. Don’t test me, cause I will wax that ass. You don’t want war.

Okay, with that said…let’s get onto the awards presentation. I see how excited you are…

First Award: Best Album – Los Angeles Lakers

Yea yea, okay, okay…so the Celtics have the best record in the league. And!? And sure, it’s a nice feel good story down in the Durtay Durtay with the Hornets, but, does it get better than the LA Lakers right now? I mean, they pulled a rape on Memphis so hard that GM Chris Wallace has had to slide into protective custody, and the best player in the game now has a 20/10 big man next to him. Add in their great depth, and Phil Jackson’s ability to make a crappy scrub turn into Role Player Jesus, it’s hard not to give this award to the Lakers. Oh, and that Bynum kid, he’s aiight.

Second Award: Best Single – New Orleans Hornets

While I ditched the idea of giving Album of the Year to the Hornets, I’ve come back to Nawls this time around to give some love. The Hornets organization has taken some very odd chances (Peja? Gag me), and got bailed out with some luck (Chris Paul might be Jesus)…but all in all, they’ve surpassed any critics expectations of them so far, mine included (Though I still take claim any team with Peja will choke harder than a fat man at a buffet in May). Hopefully, for the Dirty South, the Hornets keep it going, because they’ve been a blast to watch this season.

Third Award: Best New Artist – Al Horford

Okay, seriously, Kevin Durant will be a top player in the NBA very soon, and will most likely have a few scoring Championship’s under his belt before he’s 30. That’s all fine and dandy you cosmic superhero lover. That said, Al Horford is playing better, and is having a much more meaningful impact on his team, the Atlanta Hawks. Yea, that’s right…I said the Atlanta Hawks. Rub your eyes again. He still is a bit, well, awful as hell from the field when it comes to anything outside of 5 feet, but the man is a floggin Tractor Trailer in the lane. And not to mention, he’ll knock bodies around like he was a porn star (Sorry TJ Ford).

Fourth Award: Best Supporting Artist – Manu Ginobili

Okay, first off, yea, I know…Best Supporting Artist isn’t really a legit award. You’re sooooo smart for taking 28 seconds out of your life for rushing to Wikipedia and figuring that out. Pat yourself on the back, jackass. Now that I got that out of the way, is there really a better 6th man in the NBA past Manu Ginobili? (and the answer isn’t on Wikipedia…stop looking). The guy is a floggin machine. Have you seen his stats?! Who does that crap!?!? Sure, we all want to throw him in a wood chipper and make a puzzle with his scraps when he flops against our team, but still…I say, avoid that temptation, because we all know foreigners don’t make good puzzles.

Fifth Award: Producer of the Year – Nate McMillin

This one was tough…very tough. You look around, you could pick from 6 or 7 guys. I decided to avoid the usual suspects in Phil Jackson, Pop, etc…simply because they have very solid teams around them…and were expected to kick ass. That left me with Nate McMillin, Reggie Theus, and Byron Scott. Byron does have a decent collection of talent around him, more so than the other two, so, that left me to leave baldy man off the list…and…plus he’s an ex-Laker, so it makes me happy in the pants to screw him. The Blazers, while they’ve hit a road block…okay, more like a mountain block as of recent, went into SUPER CHARGED AWESOME KAPOW mode earlier this year running the table for like 83 months straight…or something like that. Past Roy and Aldridge, they’re not the most powerful team…but have still gave their best effort on a nightly basis…which is all a coach can ask.

Sixth Award: Executive of the Year – Jerry West…errr I mean Mitch Kupchak

Okay, raise your hand if you think Jerry West was involved in the Grizzlies/Lakers deal….*looks into crowd…1…2…3…4 hands…5…6…7…..832,932,834 hands….*…Okay, by show of hands, it looks like we all do. If you don’t believe Mr. West was in Grizzlie GM Chris Wallace’s ear, you’re, well, you’re stupid out of your mind. And I wish I could be as stupid as you are. Really, I do. Back on point….Mitch sorta gets this award by default…because anybody that can snag a 20/10 player for two boxes of lotion and some lip balm deserves some credit, even if they do look like they haven’t seen the Sun in about 4 months. Which is why, being the amazing awesome son of a bitch that I am, will be sending Mitch a complimentary 6 month tanning Gift Certificate from Hollywood Tans, to show just how impressed I was with Casper’s amazing rape…errr trade with the Grizzlies.

Okay bastards…that’s it for now. I have to make a run for it, because apperently, you can’t use any likeness to the Grammy’s without the Border Patrol RIAA chasing after you…so…I must depart. Don’t cry…I will be back…and you’ll like it.